When some part of you dies

It was a quite night. Don’t know why I was feeling low, and was having light pain in my head. Took my medicine and said to mom,”Can I sleep with you today mama?” She smiled and hugged me and said that, oh come on here no problem. What else one need when you have got mother when you are in pain. Anyhow, it was around 12 of midnight of 14th June 2013.


And I heard the voice of someone crying.

Rubbed my eyes and removed pillow from my face. Whatever I saw I did not believe. Came in my sense with in no time and yes I thought, It is midnight call someone must have told my mom a bad news. Yes my mom was crying.

“Mama, mama what happened?”

“Atoofa….” After a long pause she said, “Your nani ma (maternal mother) died”.

Clock struck exactly three and a min ago Nani ma died, she died because of heart attack.

And the words echoed in my mind, with bang with high pitch; “Life is nothing but a walking shadow.” (I guess Faulkner said that). Today I lost my shadow. My nani maa, my love, my mentor, died! Are u hearing, she DIED.  ﺇﻧَّﺎ ﻟِﻠّﻪِ ﻭَﺇِﻧَّـﺎ ﺇِﻟَﻴْﻪِ ﺭَﺍﺟِﻌﻮﻥَ

Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return’

I hugged my mom so tight, with the thought that may be my hug can relief her pain and suffering.  I woke up my siblings and called my dad. There started the calls of relatives and haphazard was created.

I and My sister packed my mom’s bag. We tried to show her that everything will be fine, please mom do not cry everything will be fine.

Ask me how hard it was to control my tears.  Around 4 o’ clock she left for the Multan. When she was going my patience level broke I cried, hugged mama and the she said it’s alright my doll.

The moment she left and what happened when she reached I still am not aware of it yet. Anyhow when mom was gone with my brother to attend the funeral ceremony, I was there to accompany my sister. She is quite good in controlling her emotions. She heels herself with the words of her poetry. But as compared to her I am over emotional.

I cried and cried, than my cries turn into weeping…

4 o’clock till 7 o’clock I remember I was weeping continuously. As far as I remember I cried so much when my Dada Abbu (my father’s father, grandpa) died, when my nana abbu (mother’s father) died.

Oh yes and one more time I cried a lot, when …. Ok that is something unbearable to say, heart-rending and crushes me inside whenever I remember it. All those incidents happened in June. Except my dada abbu’s death that was February I presume.

Anyways, June happens to be a worst month for me. I was mourning the whole day.
I was feeling regretful; because of my exams I was not able to attend the funeral of My nani ma. Sigh.

She was so dear to me. Like my mom; in fact more than my mom. I remember she and I used to talk like crazy teenagers. She was the most beautiful lady of my family, a graceful and pious woman she was.

My Angel
My Angel

Whenever my mom scolded me I used to go and cry in her lap. Jodi Picoult, House Rules  said that “The best place to cry is on a mother’s arms.”  Yes indeed it was the best place.

I spent most of the time of my childhood with my grandparents they all are so dear to me.

I so miss the time when we all use to go to Hawali, when dada abbu was alive. Village life was full of peace and serenity. Same is the case whenever we use to visit my nani ma all the streets of multan got alert. I was so dear to her all because of my naughty, idiotic activities.

She used to have a stick like Charlie Chaplin and that was her weapon we all used to say that. We all used to get tap of it though we all are in universities now. This time when I called her I said, “Nani ma I am going to come and we’ll have fun.” She said, “Kid, I am old now can’t walk much.”

Me with shudder said, “Phew, come on granny you are old but in your heart you are younger than me.” She laughed and said that Atoofa you can’t change.

Yes, that is the last memory of her I have now.

I spent my whole day while crying madly and praying for her.

There are a lot of memories if I’ll start writing on it may be in my emotions I’ll write a whole book. You have got no idea behind this post how many tears are lost.

I was utterly pessimistic for once. Read the words of my friend Shiraz he said that, life is a badly written poem, badly rhymed and even more badly read. I thought yes that is the way life is. But Yumna, Mohsin, Amna, Usman, Haider, Maam Soumia and Zaira Api cheered me up ! They made me realize that life goes on though grieve remain; but we too have to go to the same destination in the end.

My friends and my colleagues and teacher’s word were quite motivating, they tried their best to make me feel good. I could not say anything to my sister because I knew that we both share the same pain, the same agony the same loss we had. Some of my friends were there the whole day with me condoling and consoling me.

But yes after my dada abbu, ,my nani ama’s demise was the event which shattered me.

The things which came in my mind the whole day were that, I am left alone at my place to suffer the misery, agony and regret. Yes, alone and alas she is gone… Nani though you’ll live silent miles away but through my prayers message will be conveyed. I love you dada abbu more than my Dad. Nani ama I love you and loved you more than my mom.

John GreenThe Fault in Our Stars  said that “Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”  Yes this grieve revealed that I love my mom and my dad a lot. I can’t even think of losing them.

I just want to say that we all use to sing the nursery rhyme when we all were young that

“Nani amma kehti hain chand pay pariyan rehti hain”

(Nani ama use to say that their lives fairies on moon)

But from now onwards,the new version of it for me is like,

“Pariyan mjh say kehti hain chand pay nano rehti hain”.

(Fairies use to say that there live your nano on moon)

Alas! Out of ten jigsaw piece of my life I’ve lost three so far. I cannot afford to lose much.  My dad use to say that life is like a movie which has to end at any cost. May Allah give me and my family strength and sab al azeem (patience) to bear that loss and make us able to see the end. Ameen.


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